I Did Something Stupid.
That’s not unusual for me, but this one was a doozey. Here’s the story:
My husband serves as a leader in our church’s “stake” organization. One night they were planning something called “Bishopric Training"--a meeting where the Stake Presidency trains the Bishops of the stake. They thought it would be nice to have a musical number, so Rock texted me this: “Remind me to invite you to sing at Bishopric training.” I texted back and said, “Not a chance!”
Now, here’s the part where I calmly defend my poor actions, even though I know I was wrong:
HELLO SCARINESS!!! Are you kidding me?? Sing in front of 50 men that I know personally?? Look, I know I am—quote, unquote—a “professional” singer, but the truth is, I still have stage fright. My stage fright used to be HORRIBLE. I have come a long ways, for sure. But there are still times when I get sick thinking about singing in front of people. Ironically, I would rather sing at Time Out for Women, in front of a crowd of 2,000 women, than at Bishopric Training. At TOFW, the lights are low and the spotlight is in my face. I can’t see anything. And even if I could, the faces are small and far away. At Bishopric Training, the lights are up and I can see every expression, every face. Even worse, I know the NAMES connected to those faces. And I will continue to see those faces again and again for years after the performance. If I stink it up at TOFW, at least I won’t see most of those women again.
I knew if I said yes to this, I would be stressed about it for 2 weeks ahead, create a mess of the song because I would be so jittery, and then feel sick about it for 2 weeks after. In my opinion, that was a lot of hoopla for nothing. Why couldn’t they just play a recording of the song, or make a nice power point video or something? I had enough to worry about. And so, I lovingly declined the offer.
Well, the day of Bishopric Training came. That morning Rock and I were eating breakfast and I asked if they were ready for the meeting. As he answered me, this awful feeling began to creep into my stomach. Guilt. Guilt! GUILT!!! And then, these exact words popped into my head, “I sing all over the world but I said no to my Stake President.” Oops. When I thought about it that way it was clear to me that I had made a mistake. Singing isn’t about ME. Who cares that it was scary? Who cares that I might do a less than perfect job and have to face those people again? Heavenly Father has given me the gift of music…and who am I to decide where and when to use it? Perhaps the MOST important place for me to sing was at Bishopric Training. How could the Lord bless me if I don’t use my talents in the right ways?
I went into panic-mode. “Rock, call President R. and tell him I’ll be there!” He was surprised. “No—don’t worry about it. We already have it planned, you don’t need to come.” “I know, I said, but I feel really bad. Just call him. I’ll be there.” I spent the rest of the day trying to make it happen. I got the sound equipment from Soni at practice. I called my sweet neighbor and asked her to sing the backup part. I searched frantically for the minus track of the song. I tried to find someone to watch my kids while I sang. I was even starting to get a little excited. This would be really neat!
90 minutes before the meeting started, I got a call from Rock. “Hey,” he said. “I just got off the phone with President R., and…it’s not going to work out tonight.” I was stunned. “What….?” “I’m really sorry,” he said, “it’s just that we have everything figured out to the minute and it seems a little complicated to throw you in at the last second. I think it’s better that we just leave things how they are for tonight. We all feel really bad…I wish it could work out…sorry, Honey…” “Um…ok…that’s ok….” I was totally deflated.
After I hung up the phone it hit me like a ton'o'bricks. I had "procrastinated the day of my repentance" (Alma 34:33)!! I had realized my mistake, decided to to do the right thing, even got excited about it...but I was TOO LATE. What a horrible feeling!
Sooooooooo..............don't be stupid! Don't procrastinate anymore. Don't put off the things you know you should be doing. Stop doing the things you know you shouldn't. And try to make your wrongs right again. Even if it's scary...even if it's embarrassing...even if it doesn't seem that important.
Because all of the sudden...it will be too late.
Stupidly, Sheepishly, Smilingly Yours,
Whitney :)